The Data-ing Game

image by Jearvi on flickr.

“I don’t know that she’s right for you, Dan” I said after hearing about his new love interest, Lauren.

“Yeh,” he said, “But she has anal beads.”

Social psychology teaches the Social Exchange Theory, which states that the sustainability of a relationship can be understood through mathematical terms.   The equation takes the benefits of the relationship minus the costs, minus the level of how awesome you expect the relationship to be, minus how likely you think it is that you can find someone better, plus how much investment you’ve already put into the relationship.  So it comes out looking like this:

 (Benefits - Costs – Expectations) – Likelihood for better alternatives + Investments= commitment.

Essentially, what this means is that you only like a relationship if it has more benefits than costs, and if it meets your personal expectations of what a relationship should be.  And you will stay in that relationship so long as there’s no one better around to hook up with, and also if you’ve already invested a lot in the relationship.  …Simple.   So we decided to apply it to Dan’s situation.

Anal Beads:  Benefits = +1

“And she gives good head.”

+1

“But her dog friended me on Facebook.”

-1

“And then wrote ‘I want to lick you all over!’ on my wall…”

“Dude.  Maybe you should date her dog.”

 “She’s actually really cool though.  Like, even though she thought Ayn Rand was a kind of cheese, she likes all the same music I do.”

“So she’s into Britney?”

“Yea.  And we have a lot of fun.”

“Right, you mentioned the anal beads.”

Expectations:  Exceeded. 

“I’m taking her out again on Friday but, I don’t know.  I’m still kinda hoping something will happen with Katie.”

Katie was the girl from his Bio class he’d been chatting with on Facebook.   He was working his way up to asking for a phone number.

So here we had:

(Good head + Sex toys) – (Dog on Facebook) + (Exceeded expectations) – (Katie from Bio) + (Time + Cost of Dinner) = Casual Hook Up

We crunched the numbers and decided that, as enticing as Lauren was, Katie’s occasional Facebook chats meant much too much to him to get involved in anything too serious.  We liked the idea of an equation and tried to see if we could apply mathematics further.  So we came up with a new equation to determine the status of a relationship.  Thus, we had created a new branch of math:  Alge-bro.  Our equation was:

Interest level  + circumstances (substances) + intimacy level + medium of communication – time it takes them to respond = fate of relationship

Here are some sample problems:

Want to date her + Too scared to talk to her + Facebook chat – she doesn’t respond = You are a Facebook creeper

Want a relationship + Met at a bar + alcohol + skirt so short you can see her vagina + made out + in person + immediately = one night stand

Wanna bang her + Booty call(alcohol)+ text message – never responded = Person you awkwardly avoid tomorrow

Want to date her + Text her + While sober + Quick response + Smiley face = Success

The Object of My Rejection

Image Borrowed

In general, it's easy to put our romantic interests on a pedestal.  We just seem to pick out someone we think is better than us who can then determine our entire level of self esteem.  This usually goes very wrong when you get rejected.

The moment you’re rejected, no matter who it is, or how much you even liked the person in the first place, you somehow feel that because they rejected you…They must be too good for you.  Right?   This isn’t high school anymore.  There aren’t lunch tables where the cool kids sit, you can’t gage someone’s desirability by the type of Baby-G watch they have, or the brand of jeans they wear. (Unless they’re Sevens.  Obviously only really cool people wear Seven Jeans.)  So when someone rejects you, suddenly, you think they’re just way cooler than you.

Or at least they think they are, which makes you wonder if they really are, which makes you think about all the reasons why you must be a terrible horrible person who is completely undeserving of love.  In fact, most likely, no one will ever love you.  I mean, this person clearly found no reason to love you so its unlikely anyone else will.  Wow, that person must be so cool.  You should spend the rest of your time trying to think of ways to MAKE them like you.  To make them see what they’re missing.  Cause you’re pretty darn great.  Tons of other people would date you.  Like their best friend!    Suddenly it becomes less about getting this person to like you because you legitimately want a relationship with them, and more about trying to get them to like you so you can validate yourself and make them cry.  Bwa-ha-ha.

Sometimes we love not with the heart, but with the ego, and when you've been rejected (whether it be for a job, a friend, or romantically) that's when your confidence takes a hit.  You want a reason for the rejection: something to blame, some kind of definitive quality you can try to change or improve or understand.

Suddenly everything you've ever hated about yourself seems like the perfect scapegoat.  You already know, better than anyone else, all the reasons why you are a terrible horrible person.

It's because you're mean.  And you're stupid.  And yes, your nose is much too large.  You knew it would destroy the relationship eventually.  It always gets in the way of everything.  And this person who rejected you clearly saw all these faults.  Oh how perfect they must be to recognize all those flaws in you that everyone who loves you was simply too blind to see!

It’s a flaw in our way of thinking.  You can’t decide someone is better than you simply because they’ve rejected you.  “So how am I supposed to know if someone is too good for me unless they reject me?” 

We all have insecurities, that’s what makes us human.  And every sappy quote we doodled in our notebooks in middle school about having to love yourself before you can love another is true, because when your ego is calling all the shots, it’s your heart that takes the hit.  You need your own confidence, from yourself.  Not validation from some douchebag who didn’t respond to your text.  The misinterpretation I see a lot of times is a lack of distinction between “confidence” and “pomposity.”  Confidence is when you think things like, “Man, I’m really great.  I have nice hair, cool dance moves, and a really cool DVD collection.”  Pomposity is when you think things like, “Man, that person is fat.  At least I’m hotter than that person.”  When you see the best in others you will see the best in yourself.  And when that happens it won’t really matter who returns your text messages.


Love begets love.