Why We Can't Be Friends

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"I'm sorry, I still really care about you, but I just can't do this anymore.  But I think we should still stay friends."

As anyone who has ever tried to stay friends can tell you, you should never ever try to stay friends.  Sure, maybe today you can still be friends.  Maybe even tomorrow, or till the end of this week.  You were both super mature about the breakup.  You can definitely stay friends, the best of friends.  Right up until you realize that he/she is dating other people and you're not ever getting back together.  That's about the time when you realize that if you are friends, you're friends in a really big fight. 

It sucks to be rejected, especially by someone who has seen you naked.  A lot of people think that the first reaction to getting broken up with is to go crazy and smash the windows in their car but that's just not true, because a lot of people ride bikes.  And bikes are really hard to smash.  Usually the first thing you feel like doing once you have been rejected is to give the person time to think it over, because obviously they're just confused and need ample time to reflect on how much they really love you.  So okay, 'friends.'  Whatever excuse you need to give yourself to keep me in your life while you reflect on how great I am is fine by me. 
So for a while you are friends.  They'll text you and ask you how you are and do friendly things and oh god it's so obvious that they miss you already.  You just have to wait out this silly breakup until they come to their senses.  Then some time passes and you don't hang out for a while.  Well that's weird.  Why aren't they calling me to hang out?  It's a Friday.  You know he’s never busy on Friday.  You see on Facebook that he went out to the bars last night.  Who the f***k is that hoe he has his arm around!?  First came the break up, now comes the break down.  So you decide to talk it out.  Because that's what friends do.  They talk things out. 

"So how come we never hang out anymore?  Friends hang out, ya know.  Friends hang out, and talk, and go out, and don't sleep with other people..."
"Um, friends do sleep with other people."
"SHUT UP THEY DO NOT.  AND I THINK YOU'RE BEING A REALLY CRAPPY FRIEND RIGHT NOW."

And that's when you realize--You definitely are not friends.  Because come to think of it, none of your friends have recently broken up with you.  And if they did, you probably wouldn't want to be friends with them anymore. 

The "lets stay friends" attempt is one of the worst things you can possibly do after a breakup.  If you put emotions on a numerical scale, and 100 is love and 50 is friendship, you can't just go from 100 to 50 in a day.  You have to go cold turkey, block them on Facebook, do whatever you have to do to get back down to zero and then, after lots of time, chocolate, and sex with other people, maybe you’ll feel like working your way up to 50. Leann Rimes sings a song called "The Heart Never Fogets", but Leann Rimes is wrong about a lot of things.  The heart does forget.  Remember that guy you were absolutely in love with in middle school?  Of course not.  Remember that girl you dated 4 years ago?  And now you just think she's a whore!
So next time you break up with someone and want to do them a favor, say, “I think we should just stay enemies.”

Heartbreak 101 (How To Get Through A Breakup)

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Lately a lot of broken hearts have crossed my path.

My biggest problem is that I always feel so helpless when a friend has a broken heart.  There’s not a solution for this.  And no matter how much you try to make them feel better, people will be sad when broken hearted.  They wont think logically.  There’s nothing you can say to convince them to feel any other way.  They want to be sad after rejection.  They don’t see the big picture, they don’t care what anyone else thinks, suddenly their entire emotional state is dependent on the approval of this one person, regardless of how shitty or inconsequential that person might actually be in reality.  That’s how it starts.  By going over what happened, what could have gone wrong, how on earth this person could possibly not reciprocate their feelings.

But then it gets much bigger than that.  They start to question their self worth entirely, feel loneliness even when surrounded by friends, and without the dumper even being there, or doing anything, their love and passion for them intensifies for no reason whatsoever.  You could be dating someone for a year and see them everyday and not ever feel this strongly for them.  But all the sudden, when they’re not around, and you're busy thinking about how much you suck, at the same time you're thinking about how great and flawless they are, and you have the "epiphany" that they are the perfect person.  Then you raise them up on a pedestal so high above yourself that regardless of how much you actually cared about them, or how much the relationship really meant to you, now that you are denied it, it’s the only thing that can consume your mind. 

Now since the relationship is over you can freely imagine how amazing the relationship would have been, and make up ideas of why you were fated to be together and then torn apart by the silly fact that they didn’t actually want to be together...but secretly hope that maybe eventually they'll "come to their senses."

Ya know what’s great about fantasizing over what could have been?   Reality can't swoop in and muck it all up. 

It’s a terribly painful process to go through.  But I think, secretly, we kinda like it.  I think we like knowing that we are even capable of feeling anything that intensely.  Even if it is self-loathing and depression.  Its healthy, in a way.  Gives you an excuse to sit and home and watch tv and eat ice cream and not think about anything but how much you suck and how great this other person is. 

Right, I know, still doesn’t sound all that appealing.  But the fact of the matter is, you know you'll move on.  It is rare that anyone will be capable of breaking your heart.  It is rare that anyone will be capable of capturing it in the first place.  These people, these heart-catchers, are put in our lives for a reason.  They teach us a lesson.  They fill us in on what exactly it takes for someone to be able to catch your heart, and then they'll teach you to appreciate love.  To be careful with love.  To love only when someone is deserving of it.