There is No "Hook Up Culture."

...Then what the hell is going on here?

Image borrowed

So the ballots are in and the research is showing that while we like to pretend that we're a rebellious generation of sex, alcohol, and hip hop music....Turns out, we're actually a lot more like our parents than we thought.  In fact, our parents were having more sex than us.

The Numbers

A new study released from the University of Portland shows that while 59.3% of uni aged students from a sample of 1,800 are having sex at least once a week, comparatively, in the 80's 65.2% of uni age kids were getting laid.  We're not actually having more sex.  ...But we're damn good at acting like we are.

The Words

What the researchers don't understand is that the Hook Up Culture is very much alive and well.  But it's not about sex.  It's a culture that revolves around slang.  We may not be doing anything physically different than our parents' generation did, but we really excel at taking relationship situations and re-branding them under 'cooler' sounding names.  For example, we don't date people.  Dating is, well, out-dated.  We just have friends.  Friends who we hang out with. And then sleep with. Our "Friends-With-Benefits."  And then we have people we don't even really consider friends, but sleep with anyway when we're drunk and can't be bothered to meet new people.  So we gave that a nice friendly name as well, "F*** buddy."

       The Hook Up Culture isn't about the amount of casual sex, it's about making perfectly clear that the sex is casual.  We use these "friendly" new terms to establish something that sets our generation apart:  We are Very Very afraid of commitment. 

        The problem is, it's usually the committed people who are having the most sex.  And even though we're scared of commitment, we still like to seem like we're having a lot of sex.  Frankly, because we're worried that everyone else is.  And with the 'sex-sells' mentality that's been flooding the media since we were born...Can you blame us?

More Vague Than Vulgar

The term "Hooking Up" itself creates a happy conundrum.  It's so vague that it could mean anything from making out to having sex, with a lot of possibilities in between.  It's a phrase thrown around often enough but rarely ever actually explained, leaving most of us convinced that all our friends are out there having sex constantly.  And what this new study really shows is that, we're probably not. 

So in terms of "Hooking Up," does that happen more often in our generation?  Is there more drunk kissing?  And the biggest question of all...Does anybody really care about drunk kissing anyway?

So Mom and Dad, yeah, you may have banged just as many people in uni.  But there's no wayyou drunkenly made out with as many randoms to the sweet melodies of Ke$ha.  

Why We Are Douchebags To Those We Hook Up With

Image Borrowed

I woke up and he was gone.

Ah yes, the sneak out.  You always feel really good about yourself the next morning when you wake up and realize you’ve been walked out on.

And let’s be honest, it’s not the greatest thing to have someone in your bed.  They take up room, sometimes they snore, it can get too hot, they could be in your favorite spot, they complain if your room’s not clean, conversation the next morning is always awkward, and when you think about it you really don’t want the person there when you wake up.

But then when they’re actually not there you feel even worse. 

He could at least leave a note.  Something like, “Haha, I used you, you dumb slut.” Or maybe just a ‘hey-your-bed’s-uncomfortable’ note.  I would appreciate that.  I would think, how thoughtful of him to take the time to write such an accurate depiction of our time together.

So you WILL stay in my bed and be uncomfortable as I hog the blankets.  You WILL make painfully awkward conversation with me tomorrow before you find an excuse to leave.  You WILL get no sleep, and you WILL wake up when I do, because I hooked up with you and it’s polite.

…But man I really wish you would leave.

I don’t think I’m one of those crazy/clingy/over sensitive people but I am a person.  And yes, sometimes I’m used as a sex object and I use people as sex objects but that’s no reason to forget that they’re human.  People are people.  It’s common decency to be respectful of people.  Especially people who are nice enough to sleep with you.  
            I don’t know where this whole myth of “You have to be mean to someone you’re using for sex otherwise they’ll get emotionally attached” started, but I think it needs to stop. 

It puts the person you’ve disrespected in an unfortunate situation.  Now, not only are they upset because you’ve blatantly disrespected them, but they can’t even talk to you about it because then you’ll assume they’re just complaining because they’re emotionally attached and want commitment from you. 

It’s like, “Hey…would you mind acknowledging my existance?”

“God, why are you like, so obsessed with me??”

It’s like we want people to expect to be treated like shit when we use them for sex, and when they don’t have those expectations we call them naïve or overly emotional and tell them their feelings have no legitimacy. 

If I have a friend over for dinner, and I leave to go to the bathroom and they’re gone when I get back, well, that’s a little weird.  I’m going to be a little upset.  Is that because I’m super needy and have too many expectations for our relationship?  …No.  If you got to go, you got to go, I’m not going to freak out about it.  But dude, you could have said bye. 

            I feel like it’s fairly common for people to be crueler towards people that they’ve hooked up with, as if to prove they’re not attached.  It’s because in a hook up you feel like you’re giving away too much.  You’re doing the exact same kind of stuff you would be doing with someone you actually liked.  Your actions are screaming “I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU” and your words aren’t saying a damn thing cause it’s awkward.  So to make up for those affectionate actions, we throw some douche-bag actions in there too, just to balance out the scale. 

We don’t like having “talks.”  We don’t want to define the relationship with words.  We don’t want to say, “Hey, so, about last night.  I was really just using you for sex.  Just so you know.”  No one wants to say that, that makes you sound like a douche-bag.  We’d much rather show it…by acting like a douche-bag.  Now there’s a classy solution.

It’s like saying, “Hey, remember that really intimate moment we shared together last night? K, well, I’m gonna flat out ignore you every time I see you from now on.  …And I’m gonna make fun of your genitals with my friends.  Bye!”

So I came up with a solution.  A way to avoid people becoming emotionally attached without having to treat them like crap.  Instead of going out of your way to be mean to someone, you be overly nice to them.  Profess your love and undying devotion on the first date.  I promise you, you won’t have to worry about any emotional attachment after that. 

It’s like we’re a little scared of love.  Love makes you a wimp.  You don’t want people thinking you’re in love with them, that gives them power.  Sex is awesome.  I know because Weezy raps about it.  We want to separate love out from sex.  We’re all still scarred by that time in kindergarten when all the kids would taunt, ‘You LIIIKE her/him don’t you????”  And you’d say, “Nuh-uh they have cooties!”

It’s like the second we get [drunkenly] intimate with someone we have to turn back and accuse them of having cooties.  But not the sexually transmittable kind.

But the taunting would continue until you did something to PROVE you didn’t like the person, like ignore them or hit them or steal their lunch money.  Having said that, Mike Walters, I’m sorry I beat you up on the playground in first grade.  I was madly in love with you.