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In general, it's easy to put our romantic interests on a pedestal. We just seem to pick out someone we think is better than us who can then determine our entire level of self esteem. This usually goes very wrong when you get rejected.
The moment you’re rejected, no matter who it is, or how much you even liked the person in the first place, you somehow feel that because they rejected you…They must be too good for you. Right? This isn’t high school anymore. There aren’t lunch tables where the cool kids sit, you can’t gage someone’s desirability by the type of Baby-G watch they have, or the brand of jeans they wear. (Unless they’re Sevens. Obviously only really cool people wear Seven Jeans.) So when someone rejects you, suddenly, you think they’re just way cooler than you.
Or at least they think they are, which makes you wonder if they really are, which makes you think about all the reasons why you must be a terrible horrible person who is completely undeserving of love. In fact, most likely, no one will ever love you. I mean, this person clearly found no reason to love you so its unlikely anyone else will. Wow, that person must be so cool. You should spend the rest of your time trying to think of ways to MAKE them like you. To make them see what they’re missing. Cause you’re pretty darn great. Tons of other people would date you. Like their best friend! Suddenly it becomes less about getting this person to like you because you legitimately want a relationship with them, and more about trying to get them to like you so you can validate yourself and make them cry. Bwa-ha-ha.
Sometimes we love not with the heart, but with the ego, and when you've been rejected (whether it be for a job, a friend, or romantically) that's when your confidence takes a hit. You want a reason for the rejection: something to blame, some kind of definitive quality you can try to change or improve or understand.
Suddenly everything you've ever hated about yourself seems like the perfect scapegoat. You already know, better than anyone else, all the reasons why you are a terrible horrible person.
It's because you're mean. And you're stupid. And yes, your nose is much too large. You knew it would destroy the relationship eventually. It always gets in the way of everything. And this person who rejected you clearly saw all these faults. Oh how perfect they must be to recognize all those flaws in you that everyone who loves you was simply too blind to see!
It’s a flaw in our way of thinking. You can’t decide someone is better than you simply because they’ve rejected you. “So how am I supposed to know if someone is too good for me unless they reject me?”
We all have insecurities, that’s what makes us human. And every sappy quote we doodled in our notebooks in middle school about having to love yourself before you can love another is true, because when your ego is calling all the shots, it’s your heart that takes the hit. You need your own confidence, from yourself. Not validation from some douchebag who didn’t respond to your text. The misinterpretation I see a lot of times is a lack of distinction between “confidence” and “pomposity.” Confidence is when you think things like, “Man, I’m really great. I have nice hair, cool dance moves, and a really cool DVD collection.” Pomposity is when you think things like, “Man, that person is fat. At least I’m hotter than that person.” When you see the best in others you will see the best in yourself. And when that happens it won’t really matter who returns your text messages.
Love begets love.
Love begets love.
